dialogue; daddies anonymous.

[singlemalts]

I'm Michel.

By ways of introduction, I guess I should say that my son has cut all contact with me. I haven't spoken to him in ten years, I believe.

Well, it's not a matter of belief, of course. I count the days, every day.

Comments

[singlemalts]

Does it count when they're angrily yelling at you that you're a self-absorbed asshole? Is that answer enough?

[dividedbyone]

Anger is rarely the answer to anything.

But you know, at least, that you have pushed beyond their limits and maybe that doesn't deserve any kind of answer. My second-to-last conversation with my son, I threatened him and the people closest to him. I got what I deserved in return, too. They become mirrors of us, our children, when we're at our worst.

Such a very unforgiving concept.

[singlemalts]

Maybe their defiance is actually a mirror of us as we should have been. We push their limits beyond endurance and they show us a glimpse of some dream, our highest potential, making very different choices. With very different outcomes.

[dividedbyone]

Perhaps.

The best thing we can ask for, Michel, is for our children to choose what's best for themselves. They are not here to augment us or to embody whatever ideas we might have concerning what could have been. That's for you and I to bear. For them, there is the future.

[singlemalts]

Yes, there's the future. There's a heritage, too, isn't there?

Do you have no wish about what they'll do with it?

[dividedbyone]

I... want them to be happy. I want them to own themselves.

Selfish urges. We aren't above those, after all. What do you wish for him?

[singlemalts]

That he'll be able to be his true self with his children. At every age of his life.

[dividedbyone]

Indeed.

See how self-obsessed we remain, even now? It's always about whatever we didn't get. Sometimes, I think what I want the most for my children is for them to be free of me.

[singlemalts]

Some shadows are so long, you can walk for the rest of your life, you can run, and yet you'll never be free of them. That's simply the reality of it.

[dividedbyone]

Is it?

Yes, I suppose it is. We've tainted them, irrevocably. It's really no wonder if we aren't readily invited into their lives.

[singlemalts]

Maybe so, maybe so. [ It's not clean acceptance, but it isn't refusal either. The thought simply scares him. After a moment -- ] Should I stop calling him?

[dividedbyone]

After ten years?

No. Yes. I wouldn't have.

[singlemalts]

Maybe only for Christmas, then.

[ It's a joke, mostly. He isn't sure what he's going to do, stop or not.

Continue or not. ]

[dividedbyone]

We want them free but not from us.

Ironic.

[singlemalts]

What do we even know of freedom?

Isn't that why we're here? We can't offer them something we never had ourselves.

[dividedbyone]

Always with the excuses. If nothing else, we must know about captivity and how to keep it to ourselves.

Don't call him.

[singlemalts]

Ten years of trying. Ten years of trying and failing, coming to an end.

[dividedbyone]

Mm. There is relief in that.

[singlemalts]

Like there is in all the best ends.