[ In that moment, Michel sees them very clearly for what they are. Two old, queer men who are clinging to life by a thread of mere stubbornness at this point, their chances have bygone them and their choices have been made - all is past, except for that one aspect of their lives now that is their togetherness, each other. For a few years more they'll have that, and then even that last shred will be taken by the wind. Whoever dies first, he thinks, and Michel suspects it'll be him, he'll be lucky to have one beloved to close his eyes and another to visit his grave in the old cemetery in the nearby village. Timm will come. He won't miss him, he's a much too sober man for that, but he'll remember and he'll honour and then, at some point, Timm too will die and there will be nothing left of Michel Laurent in this world.
At least, nothing that would ever want or, perhaps, have time to admit to being part of his memory.
Michel's eyes crinkle at the corners. Amusement. Maybe a hint of afterthought. ]
Aloofness, hmm? [ The croissant finally starts disappearing into his mouth, tempered bites, patient, pleasure tastes the same in one big gulp and in smaller pieces, the smaller pieces simply last longer. ] I've spent half my life distancing myself from myself - to avoid hurt, to avoid disappointment, but there are people who live authentically and take the beatings it inevitably results in without a single complaint.
[ He doesn't mention Elio by name, though, Timm knows the story and will probably be able to make the connection. Will he, however, be able to make the connection to himself? Another man insisting on his autonomous self. Difficult, those types, aren't they? ]
They've inspired me. [ More coffee. A splash of juice. You could say that where Timm paints with his painting, Michel's materials are perishables. ] If aloofness isn't the way for you, Timm, I have no errands down that road either.
[ He leans back in his seat and glances towards the windows, the grey morning light falling in through the windows slightly bluer, slightly lighter thanks to Timm's contribution to the interior. ]
[ In goes the croissant, finally, and the juice as well. Timm leans back in his chair a little, his old joints creaking in protest - it's been a long night, a long evening leading into it. Authentic living, he thinks, is an overrated concept. Extremely overrated. Look at him, living authentically. Look at that boy of Michel's, the one who's run away to live with someone who wouldn't know authenticity if it fucked him up the nostrils. No, it's not about that at all. Michel has to know, doesn't he, that taking the beatings is what cripples men and women and everything in between. It's what makes you walk like you've forgotten how to stand. Inspirational. Pah.
With a huff, Timm shakes his head and allows the other man to change the subject. He finishes his porridge and sets the bowl down carefully before he points towards the wall opposite the painted window with one, limp-looking wrist. ]
I've told you before - what you call a grey sky, I call an ocean. Transpose it onto flat surfaces and it changes its shape almost without any assistance at all.
[ The wall is painted in shades of grey. The brush and the shadows falling in with the light from outside have decided the shapes - circular, for the most part, dark and stormy near the center and foamy-white around the edges. There are many circles, bubbles, he thinks, the largest big enough to cover half the height of the wall, the smallest the sizes of hands, fingers, toes. Eyes. The ocean, the clouds, watching. With the morning light falling in through the painted window dancing across the waves, it's almost as if the surface is blinking back at them, at the sun.
In reality, of course, the light is getting swallowed. ]
I may visit the lake, later, for inspiration. Perhaps you'll come along.
[ Michel has never taken any great interest in art. He's frequented enough art galleries and museums to recognise certain styles, but he's as willfully ignorant about the details as he is about classical music. A bad student, wasn't he? Math was his main strength. Some social sciences. History. The rest was -- like a dismissive gesture over one shoulder, beyond him.
However, listening to Timm speak like this, he realizes that he has always been attracted to artists primarily. Before Elio, it was Julien, the architect who - in much this way - would tell him, what you call a curved line, I know fifty different expressions for; don't simplify things, Michel, when Michel pointed to his sketch and said, many curved lines on that one. After Julien, it was Elio and only Elio, always Elio. After Elio, not truly anyone, but Timm sleeps in his bed sometimes and although they don't fuck, they share so many other things.
Age. The last stretch of life before them. He dries some crumbs off the tabletop with one hand, meeting the other man's eyes directly. No hesitation. No shyness. ]
I could never say no to a visit to the lake.
[ It's with a small smile that Michel replies. He knows Timm doesn't see the landscape here the way he does, he understands the reference in Corot country, but he also knows so much more about all that than Michel would ever pretend to. And he doesn't attach the same memories to it; perhaps that's all the same. Perhaps that's all the better. ]
[ He nods, sipping his juice again before getting to his feet. He's been still for long enough - the stillness around them, after all, is chronic and the restlessness within him equally so, it evens out in this place, in Michel's little haven for two. Stretching, he runs one hand through his shaggy hair, long on one side and indescribable on the other - something about garden shears late at night, something about feeling frozen on at least two very different tracks in time, past and present fused together, something, something, there's a name for all of that somewhere and he, blissfully, doesn't have to care - in either case, his hair always looks like shit.
It fits the rest of him to a T.
Heading over to the window, he looks over the contents of the paint bucket critically, pursing his lips. ]
You have eyes in your own pretty head, darling. Maybe this time around, you should tell me what you see.
[ Without further ado, he slaps his right hand into the paint, splashing blue all over his sleeve and forearm. He gives it a couple of good twirls before stretching back to his full height, pulling his arm with him. Paint dripping onto the floor and his naked feet, Timm tilts his head sideways, eyes narrowed, and flicks his fingers at the window. Specks of blue scatter across the glass. ]
[ Watching Timm leave anything, let alone the table, is always like watching a lion abandon its half-eaten kill. You can assume, safely, that it'll be back for more later, but it will no doubt not be when you're anywhere in the vicinity to watch and it is definitely going to be a mess it leaves behind. That is how his lodger is, nothing to be done about it. That is the definition of conditions, that they are like that, inescapable, for everyone, poor and rich, young and old. He eats the rest of his croissant. Drinks the rest of his coffee. There's more left, but he'll leave it for the lion that is going to get ravenous eventually.
Always hungry, aren't they, people? For food and other things. Closure. Intimacy. Always hungry. ]
Yes, but you don't want to hear yet another long-winded story about that time I was a child. [ Michel huffs as he gets to his feet, too, abandoning the table like a man who owns it, rather than as anyone who has anything to lose. It won't be any less his, simply because he isn't actively sitting at it, on it.
Timm's the same. Whether he's wrapped around Michel's back, all long heavy limbs or not, he belongs. Think, to still belong to this place that he used to hate so much.
And to not hate it quite so much anymore... ] It's all very long ago now, isn't it?
[ Turning towards Timm and the window, getting splattered from flicking blue fingers, he folds his arms over his chest and watches. The lion at work. The artist. One and the same. He could waste a lot of time wishing he'd met Timm when he was younger and had a life to give, but he won't, because then he'll simply have even less to give now.
And one thing is certain, Michel is giving all he's got left. ]
no subject
At least, nothing that would ever want or, perhaps, have time to admit to being part of his memory.
Michel's eyes crinkle at the corners. Amusement. Maybe a hint of afterthought. ]
Aloofness, hmm? [ The croissant finally starts disappearing into his mouth, tempered bites, patient, pleasure tastes the same in one big gulp and in smaller pieces, the smaller pieces simply last longer. ] I've spent half my life distancing myself from myself - to avoid hurt, to avoid disappointment, but there are people who live authentically and take the beatings it inevitably results in without a single complaint.
[ He doesn't mention Elio by name, though, Timm knows the story and will probably be able to make the connection. Will he, however, be able to make the connection to himself? Another man insisting on his autonomous self. Difficult, those types, aren't they? ]
They've inspired me. [ More coffee. A splash of juice. You could say that where Timm paints with his painting, Michel's materials are perishables. ] If aloofness isn't the way for you, Timm, I have no errands down that road either.
[ He leans back in his seat and glances towards the windows, the grey morning light falling in through the windows slightly bluer, slightly lighter thanks to Timm's contribution to the interior. ]
And what are we painting this morning?
no subject
With a huff, Timm shakes his head and allows the other man to change the subject. He finishes his porridge and sets the bowl down carefully before he points towards the wall opposite the painted window with one, limp-looking wrist. ]
I've told you before - what you call a grey sky, I call an ocean. Transpose it onto flat surfaces and it changes its shape almost without any assistance at all.
[ The wall is painted in shades of grey. The brush and the shadows falling in with the light from outside have decided the shapes - circular, for the most part, dark and stormy near the center and foamy-white around the edges. There are many circles, bubbles, he thinks, the largest big enough to cover half the height of the wall, the smallest the sizes of hands, fingers, toes. Eyes. The ocean, the clouds, watching. With the morning light falling in through the painted window dancing across the waves, it's almost as if the surface is blinking back at them, at the sun.
In reality, of course, the light is getting swallowed. ]
I may visit the lake, later, for inspiration. Perhaps you'll come along.
no subject
However, listening to Timm speak like this, he realizes that he has always been attracted to artists primarily. Before Elio, it was Julien, the architect who - in much this way - would tell him, what you call a curved line, I know fifty different expressions for; don't simplify things, Michel, when Michel pointed to his sketch and said, many curved lines on that one. After Julien, it was Elio and only Elio, always Elio. After Elio, not truly anyone, but Timm sleeps in his bed sometimes and although they don't fuck, they share so many other things.
Age. The last stretch of life before them. He dries some crumbs off the tabletop with one hand, meeting the other man's eyes directly. No hesitation. No shyness. ]
I could never say no to a visit to the lake.
[ It's with a small smile that Michel replies. He knows Timm doesn't see the landscape here the way he does, he understands the reference in Corot country, but he also knows so much more about all that than Michel would ever pretend to. And he doesn't attach the same memories to it; perhaps that's all the same. Perhaps that's all the better. ]
Not with you to be my eyes.
no subject
It fits the rest of him to a T.
Heading over to the window, he looks over the contents of the paint bucket critically, pursing his lips. ]
You have eyes in your own pretty head, darling. Maybe this time around, you should tell me what you see.
[ Without further ado, he slaps his right hand into the paint, splashing blue all over his sleeve and forearm. He gives it a couple of good twirls before stretching back to his full height, pulling his arm with him. Paint dripping onto the floor and his naked feet, Timm tilts his head sideways, eyes narrowed, and flicks his fingers at the window. Specks of blue scatter across the glass. ]
no subject
Always hungry, aren't they, people? For food and other things. Closure. Intimacy. Always hungry. ]
Yes, but you don't want to hear yet another long-winded story about that time I was a child. [ Michel huffs as he gets to his feet, too, abandoning the table like a man who owns it, rather than as anyone who has anything to lose. It won't be any less his, simply because he isn't actively sitting at it, on it.
Timm's the same. Whether he's wrapped around Michel's back, all long heavy limbs or not, he belongs. Think, to still belong to this place that he used to hate so much.
And to not hate it quite so much anymore... ] It's all very long ago now, isn't it?
[ Turning towards Timm and the window, getting splattered from flicking blue fingers, he folds his arms over his chest and watches. The lion at work. The artist. One and the same. He could waste a lot of time wishing he'd met Timm when he was younger and had a life to give, but he won't, because then he'll simply have even less to give now.
And one thing is certain, Michel is giving all he's got left. ]